Afraid of the Darkness

Major blackout in two days straight. Interesting fact is that it is now one week till Raya starts. Sometimes I wonder is someone is messing with the power cables like some terrorist who is bent on destroying the week's festive spirit. It's be funny, if you think about it, with nearly everyone rushing to the shops to buy big bulks that will last the month just to find that the power went out and all the cashier queues are stretched long because the cash register is out of order.

To tell you truth, I dread the darkness even though I depend on it to catch sleep. It reminds me how you can get lost easily if you can't see whatever is in front of you. Some like myself would feel all claustrophobic for a moment but try not to break down from the anxiety. Imagine if you're a blind man but you can't hear whatever is around you. Believe it or not, I'd purposefully tap the metal railings of the staircase at home just so that anyone would know where I was or ensure myself I know where I was.

I haven't told anyone yet, but during that training scheme the seniors held for us in the beginning of the year where they blindfolded us so that we could communicate scared the hell out of me. It felt like I was walking in circles while everyone was calling me out. I froze a few times with my hands feeling the edges of the tables surround us guiding me where I was going.

I still keep the blindfold just to remind myself how lost I felt. When I think about it, I wonder why I was afraid of the darkness in the first place. I guess it reminded me what it feels to be lifeless.

Why do we need heroes if we can save ourselves?

I'm currently experiencing a drawback. I cannot shake this sense of paranoia, something I acquired during my unsettling years in SMJA, in which I think had caused a lot of people harm and myself especially. Sometimes I tend to damn people in my mind, but at the same time I feel great sadness and pain inside. After that, I stop being sad and feel pity with a big sense of longing.

Why do people act the way they do? How come there are people who can't get rid of being spoon-fed, always wanting someone to depend on or blame on. Why do we need heroes if we can save ourselves?

I'm sorry. Someone told me how to do my job and I feel upset. Upset of feeling betrayed or feeling wrong, or hating myself. Eventually, I stop being sad and feel only pity. Pity towards whoever doubted me and those who can't appreciate faith in a person. No, I shall not change for anybody or else we lose ourselves. I shall never be insecure for your petty needs.

Don't think me wrong. I don't hate anybody, I learned that lesson. Sometimes you do feel like you want someone to burn and die, but then when you play with fire you get burned. And then it becomes a cycle, a forest fire, all from your own doing.

This is my first depressing note after a long time. Hopefully, it'll be my last.

I used to be in place where the best way to help pain is hugs, chocolate, cake, funny conversations, lent ears, and soft speech. Now, I am in a place where nobody would do any of them. I miss the people then, whose smiles were free.

Is a man not entitled?

"Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?" The words echo from Andrew Ryan's mouth. I may have quote this from Bioshock (one of my favorite PS3 game riddled with objective philosophy set in a dystopian world where Orwell meets 20,000 leagues under the Sea) but I'm really serious about it.

I think the quote stuck while I was studying People in Organizations on Monday how motivation is factorized by the equity of the individual's work. Equity meaning the share but mostly referring to the fairness of their work.

I'm thinking about sacrifices. If a man sacrifices for the sake of everyone, will anyone look up to him? Well, it's either no or yes but there is always that self satisfaction. The idea that you just saved some lives changes everything. You're just happy that you helped.

A man is entitled to the sweat of his brow.

But only the man can taste it.

Don't go Ewww on me! O_O

No uniforms, just yourself.

I'm off to school. I'm not going go over dramatic on this and say "Tomorrow is a New Day" (in which technically I already said it). It's great that I get to go back to school (Ziggy! What are you saying?!). I miss the life and these eight months do seem unforgiving at times. Now it's time to hit books again.

Congratulations to everyone who got into UBD and ITB. It looks like we just made a big leap from college there. But what will expect? New life, new culture, new stories to tell. And how about your other friends who may not be by your side? We get these break away from our friends alot, and it's always sad. I tell you what, don't forget us. Keep that image of you and your friends together in your head, especially the best memories you had together.

Yes, it is very emotional for me. There aren't many people I know getting into ITB but I can only hope and stay optimistic that I will definitely see my old friends, and maybe make new ones. I guess there is always a time when you get to share stories like before another day.

Well, looks like there are somethings I need to do before the actual studying begins. Clean my room, it's a mess ^^

Have fun, enjoy like always.

Beach Days

Going to the beach is not simply a recreation. It is a place of rejuvenation where healing flows inside you like the gentle wave. It seeps into the skin like the blow of the cool breeze. You feel the sand crack under your feet and the wind carry your hair. You feel it touch your face and you breath in the fresh saltwater of the sea.

Meragang BeachSometimes we feel like going back to the beach and share it with our friends and family. We wonder what it feels like to be away from that urban lifestyle and we'd bring company so we won't go alone.

Zani: "Gonna Karate Kid your butt!"
Berakas BeachSince exams are over, most of us would go to the beach to taste that natural enviroment again. Maybe it's because we once lived by the sea and because we remember it in our bones, we can almost sense a deep connection to it.

"We find comfort from staring at the lining between sea and sky, wondering when it ends."
Naturally, we find comfort from staring at the lining between sea and sky and sometimes we would think when it ends. When we felt the warm water drench our feet, we could imagine our pain wash away and eventually get buried under the sand. Whenever you step on something upsetting, go wash your feet clean.

"Cleaning our feet"
In the end, it's the sharing that made it feel good. Releasing our troubles together can be amazing. It teaches us that building new memories can distract us from the old ones. So we try to to enjoy it the best we can.

Azzi, Faz, Zai, Jordine
Muara BeachGoing out to the beach with your friends is always memorable. Even if you forget to bring your picnic basket, or a change of clothes, if you share happy memories it has meaning. When it's time to say goodbye, you want to leave Brunei as the happy place you remember it.

Faizul's last day

I almost forgot what the beach felt like during my exam month. I imagined the waves pulling and pushing me and the wind touching my face with its cool comforting hand. Of course, I'd never go there with bringing my friends and family because you need someone there to remind you and to prove that the happy memory existed.

That is why I can't wait for the 15th in Muara Beach. See you all there.

Picked up the Pencil again

I thought about the days I drew. When little boys played football with crushed cans and little girls talked and talked as means to escape the pressure of school and home. I left myself in a lonely corner with only a pencil and pieces of paper to keep me company.

Drawing a rough draft of a comic I'm working on
Drawing is my escape, that's how I put it, from the harsh reality of growing up. I found solace in my doodles and shared it with no one. I am like a child who found comfort in imagination. The imagination, to me, is my most prized part of myself. It is a universe than nobody understood except me and that was enough.

It wasn't until years later that I learned to share this hobby openly, and it was my first step towards opening up to people. Most of my friends even joined in with the hobby, creating equal passion. It felt rejuvenating then, but it wasn't until I met two friends when Drawing became my whole world.

Daus and Jessie during our last time together
I was tremendously grateful when I met them. It was a life changing experience. Daus and I would try compare drawings and also try to draw our own styles of each others characters. Jessie, on the other hand, tagged along and we would talk about comic book ideas.

Even today Jessie still has her ideas pouring into her notebook. After the split between SMJA and SMR, Daus stayed in SMJA while Jessie and I went to the new school. This time, I tagged along with Jessie. I remember some of the conversations we had about Anime/manga Jessie and I had. Sometimes I'd make a face whenever she made her manga plots but I understood every word. We would draw and discuss and talk and have lunch everyday.

It was during these four years when my drawing hand began to fade. I lost touch of the pencil and ink that I almost completely forgotten the feel of the lead scratching on the white piece of paper. It was when I found other hobbies like guitars, good movies and complex books. I found Rugby and most importantly, I found love.

And it was during my heartache when I picked up the pencil again.

There was a saying I remember, 'Poets exploit their emotion', it was true that I found relief in pain as I weaved the thread through stories similar to my pain, then complex questions plague my head became the basis of my writing. Jessie even said they became more psychological, shifting the change from my earlier action oriented artworks. The more I drew, the more I realize that my absence in my imaginative universe had refined my skills.

Today, I see the world in the movement of my hand. I created reality from canvas to canvas and in them are stories with depth and issues. I wish Daus someday might come back so we can relive the past and talk about how much we changed.

No Matter How Temporary

This is related to the post on April 14th 2008: "Time is not straight line."

The snow may cover our tracks... but we can never forget that we made them in the first place. Our lives are as temporary as the snow, our footprints may disappear in time, but our memories are important. It's because though we try so hard to blot out the difficult moments, we can't lose the best ones.

The final lines of Blankets:

"How satisfying it is to leave a mark on a blank surface.
To make a map of my movement--

Have I really grown up?

A conversation today with a friend

She said, "There's someone I like"

If I was the boy I was last year, I wouldn't have heard this remark with a straight face.

"That's nice", I said.

I would panic though. We've known each other for five years.
It is a good thing though. It just proves how much I've matured over the years.

A really sad film

Found this film in youtube.



Tore my heart out.

The Happiest Day of my Life is in 2nd June 2008

1

"Being old and fifty is a wonderful thing," said Mr. Kendrew, a large tall man with enough wisdom to become village chief if he wanted too. His curly hair was visibly fading. The woodland brown losing itself to white.

Showing a hint of delight in his face as the cake was carried to him, we wonder if Mr. Kendrew ever had a surprise celebration like this before. Thinking that is too obvious to answer, since the man is one of the most inspiring teachers to whoever crossed his path, we threw the thought and we were happy enough to be there to celebrate his golden Jubilee.

"Ah, yes. It is a golden jubilee isn't it?" and Mr. Kendrew laughed.

Alan Kendrew, the funniest tutor in PTEB. Knighted as Sir Alan by his students, of which to them felt he deserves it.

Soft chocolate fudge cake coated in chocolate icing. Decorated with white and pink flowers, and a big HAPPY 50 on it.

It was Farah (right)'s mom after all who made the cake.

The girls planned it all this time.

Did I mention I love CHEESE, STRAWBERRY, and MILK flavors? ^_^

"This is the happiest day of my life!" cried out Nisa, who was on a diet before she munched on a chocolate cake.

We had to ask. Would Mr. Kendrew, finally had reach 50, keep reminiscing about the past and his youthful days? Looking as if images of a once young Alan Kendrew is streaming through his mind, he gently took off his glasses and slightly placed them on to the table.

"No" he said. "Some might not get the chance of being fifty. Others are proud to get old and live long enough to see their grandchildren". Everyone was smiling widely "In fact, I am one of those fortunate."

2

I sat in front of the PC and while blogging my previous post and waiting to leave for training with the Bandar Blacks, I thought about the number of days that I recall having the happiest day of my life. I believe the happiest day would have to come in large numbers. I mean there's...
. The day I was born
. The day I had my first discman
. The day I found my calling in Rugby
. The day I had my first electric guitar
. The day I had the Dime-o-flage
. The day I had As in my examination results

..and so on and so forth.

Is there really a true 'Happiest day'? Would it be your initiation to adulthood, or your first lover? Maybe it's the idea of the impossibility of achieving that special thought. I explained to my mom, it's like doing something you could never imagined or something happened to you that you never imagined.

Like going to Japan. Years ago I never thought of going there, nor believing that there is a slight possibility of traveling there. And just months ago, I was able to walk around the land of the rising sun to see the cherry blossoms.

What happened today, happened so quick like the fall of sakura petals.

"Zi, you should see the Tucson! It's really beautiful! Cool man!" cried out Zani from the door. My thoughts were interrupted by the engine running, reminding me that today is the day mom and dad was bringing home the third car. I hurriedly finished blogging and ran to see the Hyundai Tucson.

Like the fall of sakura petals, disbelief came right away after the shock. To the point where I could not contain myself, I fell to the ground in tears.
Because it was not the Tucson that was in front of me, but the Hyundai Coupe instead. I thought about the hardships my mom went through, and how difficult it is for my dad to take care of all of us at once. I thought about how did we deserve a present like this.

In the midst of being over joyous, mom revealed to both of us that while Zani and I are oblivious of the car, all of them including my little sister Aira planned it to be a surprise under the guise of getting an SUV.

On the list of Happiest days of my life, mom was there to see it all and done it all for us. The trip to Japan, the PSP, The Dime-o-flage.. How can I forget it was my mom, who went through great pains to bring us up into this world, who was always there for everyone of us, her children.

I love you mom ^_^

Never be Emo again

You know how some feel left out then later they feel loveless.

Saw a friend cry today. You could tell the way she teared away that she felt lonely.

I admit, I once felt that way. Looking my friends go out without me, spend parties without me, have fun without me, then looking at myself from a different perspective, it's all mere jealousy.

Because I didn't take time to notice that there are people who still like me. I read blogs, look at pictures as I envy on how things are fun without me.
I look at my friendster, and I only see pictures of myself.
I read my blogs, and there are only my problems.
All I felt good about is the number of friends in friendster.

I knew that wasn't the case. I was being selfish all this time.
So I made my new year resolution early
Care for others, appreaciate everything I have between them.

Never be emo again.

Also, if you think a relationship with someone will save you, think again.
Look around you, and you might realise that everyone likes you.

My new love: Motorcycles

I haven't mentioned how much I like watching motorcycles.

I believe my interest was sparked either by a cool scene in Metal Gear Solid 3 or Ghost Rider. I know one thing though, is that I'm in love with cruisers.

Maybe it's those biker clubs that I see in Gadong a lot. Cruising like real individuals, free from everything with the wind blowing in their faces.

Yesterday in Aira's request we went to a motorcycle shop somewhere near Sunshine School. iT was closed but we couldn't stop hugging our faces on the showroom glasswindows. We instantly fell in love with Yamaha.



I believe I saw the 2007 roadstar midnight. It was beautiful. While Aira lookes at a blue sports yamaha, I stayed with the black bike. Staring and admiring at the gigantic beauty in front of me.

Then it hits me. I'm now legal to drive a car and motorcycle, and Aira is 3 years away.

So I vow to get myself a motorcycle before she does.
I missed my chance for my laptop, so I will fight for my bike if I have to.

Or else face my end.

After a call..

Following Fakhrul's advice, I decided to call Dee.

After today's depressing mood Fakhrul said a call would cheer me up alot.

Surprisingly, it did.

It's amazing how talking to someone can bring out the happiness in you.

I havent't talked to Dee for weeks, but after a few messages later I feel happier.
She reminded me of the date we promised and I told her I want to make it special for her.

I can't wait!

Today of all days

I got depressed today.
I don't know whether the fact that Fakhrul is going out with someone, or that I didn't know about it.

And then I kept saying how Life is a bitch and then you die. Like some kind of slogan I say to advertise myself for attention.

Dan and Nisa said I was lucky to get a driving licence, yet as if I wanted to be uncomplete.

I made a fool of myself in front of Farianne today. I was bitching about how life is hard, and how troubling relationships are.
"You want a girlfriend, is that it?" she said.
I tried to deny it, but I think Farianne understands. All this ranting about life and relationships is just because of some stupid idea that while everyone's dating I should to. I say to myself, is it greed?

I say to Farianne, am I pathetic?
"Well, it depends"

I have greater respect for Farianne now. One of those people that completely sees through you.

The trouble of the Music Club

After numerous attempts to florish the Music Club, we are repeatedly cut down by the faculty.

Some say it's our proposals that seem not to match with the school's image. Others, the event of 2006.

An event so big it traumatised the very reputation of the school.

And we are paying for it.

Looking at this as unfair treatment, I look for ways to put our position to perform for the PTEB carnival, being this will be the first and last performance we'll ever do.

After that, Jam, Zee and myself talk about the future of the music club.

Our future is there is no music club.
And we will change its name to become a new club of its kind.
Laidly planned, and all what's needed is commitment and dedication.

This is not for the music club, this is for our future and our juniors of 2008. To ensure that we still have freedom for our greatest passion.

We will discuss this with our Senior president, and our Vice President on these new changes.
And I'm also getting support from the Student Council and the PRS, just so to prove our worth that we students retain our rights.

I'm also asking Zee to promote me for 2nd Vice President, so I can commit more to my passion and serve the students of PTEB a healthy dish of freedom.

One's self

I was talking to a friend about being one's self.

There is no need to hide your true self by pretending someone you are not. Sometimes someone will think "if I was as coolheaded as (whoever) I'll be able to have more friends". It doesn't work that way, change is good but there's no need to change your own persona.

Be fine the way you are. If you think people don't like you because of who you are, remember there are people who do like you the way you are now.

I learned this lesson from Dan and Nas. Fids for listening to me. Thank you guys.

Learner's licence.. and someone I havent seen in years

Went to the that Transpot office to get my temporary driving licence.

First we need to pick out a Driving teacher, take a written exam, take a driving test, then I'm a few steps to my final freedom.

And the inevitability of the emergence of curfew. *sigh*

Funny today.
I saw an old friend taking her lesson today. Syara Nabilah.
Noticed her when I left the office premise. Don't know if she saw me though. I'm sure she did.
Funny thing about it is we haven't spoken for years. A kind of falling out.
Maybe one of those times I forgot how cruel I am.
I think we'll meet again, and by then I'll ask how's life.

God, it's sure nostalgic and, at the same time, painful.

No sense of Direction

I asked Jam (yes, The Battle Queen) to give me a ride (and surprisingly she did!) but it ended up as an hour of trying to find where my house is.

Do you know where SMR is? no
The old maktab Sains building? no
De Rimba? no
Wesmart? no
Liang toon? no
Pengkalan Gadong? You mean, soon lee?

So yeah, I think I made Jam frustrated, hahaha.
Oh well, she said just put her in my prayers for her AS level exams. And of course, I will.

Turning 18

As some of you might know, Zani and I will be having our birthday tomorrow.
Of all the birthday's that come and go over the years, this is one of the few birthdays that's special to me.

Once there was a boy who thought it would be cool to turn 18 years old. After the fall of innocence, this boy came to realise that his ultimate goal IS to turn 18. This realisation is due to the numerous possibilities of a man at this age.

One of them is his complete freedom.

So, it looks like I'm going to celebrate this birthday with a bang. No, not a big party. I'm going to enjoy every last bit of what's left of my previous life and begin anew.

Deathly Hallows / Equinox

I must have been too excited over Dee's visit to PTEB that I forgot to post some stuff on my latest happenings.

1
23 July 2007. After some torment by the hands of my sister, I finally read the latest Harry Potter book.
24 July 2007. More torture arrived when friends left and right are spoiling the ending. Very difficult day.
25 July 2007. Finished reading and was surprised of the many tragic ends of most of the characters. Gave a WTH look after reading the epilouge.

But a fitting ending, wished Rowling could have written a little more..
A story full of action and drama, with a lot of flashback on the previous books. Full of mystery and suspense. A book that dwells deeply into the plot. A beautiful read.

2
Ladies and gentlemen, I am now a contibutor to the Equinox newsletter. I wrote my articles and I hope to submit them on Monday.

What's funny though is that every junior member is assigned to a 'Boss', and I am the only member who doesn't know who my boss is. I thought I'd become at least a freelance journalist..
It all started when Jesse sent me a text message.
"Go to room 2.3 pls ryte now"

So after a brief Rugby meeting I went to room 2.3 to find an ongoing Equinox meeting and I have been unknowingly listed as the latest junior member. Luckily Jesse, Mina, Fiqah, Ummi, Naz, Caesar and the lot are there.

On our second meeting, I asked our editor Izyan about my article's content.
"Can I write cruel, critical and contraversial content in my work"
She replied, " Only when it's true"

Coolness